I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
