Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
