I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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