In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
