That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
