Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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