So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
