Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
