wrigley field is MILF paradise
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
