Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
