I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
