Your mouth is God's brothel.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
