I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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