Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
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I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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