I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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