i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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