my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
