I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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