You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
