Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He better not be in your backpack
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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