Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Your cock deserves a montage
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
