theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
