definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
