he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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