dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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