I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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