i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
