At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
