I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
