I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
