I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
