My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
