Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
