WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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