Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
