Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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