ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
