I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
