I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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