he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
