see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
