i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
