Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
