She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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