There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i love accidental penises.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you inspire me to be a worse person
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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