I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
