After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
