I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If that was your dad, he is hot
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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