The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
