: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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