No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
