guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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