Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
