i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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